ReActivate

Jul. 26th, 2017 01:03 am
sonochesono: (TPATF: Fray)
[personal profile] sonochesono
I'm not sure how far I am through the ReActivate course (textbook.) A lot of it I remember. Some of it I need to review. Some things I need to review a lot.

I'm excited at the idea of becoming involved in the local dive community. I only hope I can start getting involved in 5k runs, as well. The main problem with running is that finding the time to train with two jobs is hard.




Learning about codependency has been really hard. I feel weary. I think of things I've tried to control so long and have finally stopped trying to control them. I think of all the ways I've let myself be a doormat over the years. I hurt over people I lost - either because I pushed them and hurt them, or because I imagined we were closer and more intimate than we were and opened up too hard and too fast.

I've cried a lot the last week. It hasn't all been bad. There's been a lot of thinking about the ways I isolated myself, the way I pushed people away, all the ways I became a husk and tried to fill my identity by attaching myself to another person. People I hurt specifically because I wanted to make sure they were never in my life again. People I've neglected because I was so worried what they thought of me. That stuff hasn't been pleasant. Of those things, the most harrowing has been Memo, because Memo really never did anything really wrong. It just sucked that he found his soulmate when he did.

There's been a lot of confusion - a lot of attempted thought as to who I am, what I like. That feeling, the feeling of being empty or blank. It's a sign of depression and codependency. Undeveloped or neglected self. If I don't know, it's a chance to look for experiences.

The more I stop letting other people be an excuse for why I don't do things - surf, hike, skydive, bungee jump, paraglide, SCUBA dive, etc. - the better I feel. And in the same vein, I've stopped being a perfectionist. I'm not waiting to be 120LBS before starting to dive again. I'll continue to try and be healthier and stronger. But I am going to get back into diving now.

I cut a lot of people from FaceBook, and plan to cut more. If we don't talk or hang out, we're not friends, and I don't want to pretend to be friends with people. I want to work on being the person I am.




Some people at work are really mad that I went skydiving without inviting them. It's really funny, because I kept inviting people skydiving over the last year. And people kept making excuses for why they couldn't go.

And a lot of these people don't invite me anywhere. Or they bail. They don't invite me to parties, they don't invite me clubbing, they bail on running or hiking.

I don't feel like bringing people along with me on adventures when we don't even do day-to-day conversations. I don't want to take someone sky-diving if they're not someone I feel I can talk to about what goes on in my home.

So I won't.

Maybe I will invite people, eventually. But I feel like if I can't even count on you for a jog, why should I count on you to travel or go on adventures with? I mean, there's a lot of 'let it happen' and 'go with the flow' mentality when discussing codependency and trying to establish more relationships and bond with others so you're not relying too much on a small network. But it just seems stupid for people to expect me to invite them along on the big outings when we don't do small stuff together. Like. The people you're supposed to do the adventurous stuff with are supposed to be people you already do the little things with.

ReActivate

Jul. 25th, 2017 03:09 pm
sonochesono: The Rachel Maddow Show (Political: Rachel Maddow Show Sign)
[personal profile] sonochesono
The PADI ReActivate course is (currently) really common-sense. Then I just have to go by the dive shop I made my 'home' dive shop and see about getting dives set up with a Master Diver.

My thought is I'll 'ReActivate' all my past certifications first, then see if I can knock them all out in the same few dives. (I only had three.) Then I'll start getting involved with the dive clubs in Orange County.

Then after that I want to start doing specialty courses - especially wreck diver and cavern diver. But I'll probably focus on a few of the easier ones first, e.g. Underwater photography.




The flight school responded to tell me they don't sell dollar-value gift certificates online but if I visit them I can get a dollar-value gift certificate there. So what I'll do is go down there to do a tandem flight, and each time I do, I'll have $200-$400 to put on a gift certificate toward the P1 + P2 certification combo.




I was thinking about trying to apologize to Jordan and telling him he really doesn't need to avoid me at work. Like, my feelings will recover (I think they would have already if it hadn't been his avoidance at work.)

But I'd already told him that. So instead I guess I'll just try to practice MYOB: Mind Your Own Business. Eventually he'll either stop avoiding me, or one of us won't work in the shopping center anymore.




In the meantime... Time to go to work.

(no subject)

Jul. 25th, 2017 12:57 pm
alexseanchai: Blue and purple lightning (Default)
[personal profile] alexseanchai
Polyamory and autism

...in conclusion, I am polya?

(I have not been so identifying because reasons. But this article points out a couple things I hadn't thought about.)

Yay Mango Languages app

Jul. 25th, 2017 12:05 pm
alexseanchai: Blue and purple lightning (Default)
[personal profile] alexseanchai
...so how do I type (what I presume are) hiragana with an American keyboard?

...wait

victory may be mine

こんにちは

\o/

fmlllll

Jul. 24th, 2017 08:08 pm
alexseanchai: Blue and purple lightning (Default)
[personal profile] alexseanchai
*spends two hours crocheting part of a shawl that is supposed, excluding any row-currently-in-progress, to be rectangular throughout the process*

*puts it down for several hours*

*picks it back up and discovers it's trapezoidal*

Family Drama

Jul. 23rd, 2017 02:29 pm
sonochesono: (DP: You and I (Sam to Danny))
[personal profile] sonochesono
Kevin, "Can you take me to Target?"
Me, "Okay, let's go now so I can sleep before my night shift."
Me, "Hey can you hide your [pot]? It's poisonous to cats."
Kevin, "No it's not."
Me, "Yes it is, you can look it up online."
Kevin, "Never mind, I don't even wanna go to CostCo and Target. I don't want to deal with the stress. I don't need this third degree."
Me, "I wasn't giving you the third degree, I was asking you to keep the pot--"
Kevin, "NEVER MIND."



Thirty Minutes Later After I've Come Home




Kevin, "Mind taking me to the gas station?"
Me, "You asked me to take you to Target. I agreed, and you changed your mind. I'm sorry you're stressed out, but I'm home now and planning to sleep before work."

And... Now he's screaming at everyone and throwing stuff. But maybe he'll realize this constant yanking on my chain is inappropriate. I'm not sure how much this works when the drug/alcohol abuser you're dealing with someone who ALSO has a personality and mood disorder.

He doesn't get it. We don't want him gone. We want him to get help. But letting his mood swings dictate all our decisions is not a solution.

In the 'getting out of this living situation' - since paying half the rent didn't work in giving me a better say in my living situation and Dad still forced us to let Kevin move back in - I'm thinking I could try moving to Anaheim? There's an ROP nursing program there, I wouldn't have to quit any job, and it's a good halfway point to Long Beach, too, which is where the CNA courses are hosted.

Room-searching scares me though. Lots of creepy advertisements. Then again, it can't be that much worse than living with my brother. Except the ads looking to rent a room 'for free' in exchange for being an 'FWB.'

Like... I know most men are not disgusting, most people are generally good (or at least well-intentioned), etc.

But there are some doozies when you're looking at ads searching for roommates.

Thoughts

Jul. 23rd, 2017 01:14 am
sonochesono: (TPATF: Ambitious)
[personal profile] sonochesono
So I was looking at bungee jumping tomorrow, or paragliding, but then I decided I didn't want to do things that would take hours of my day and make me tired for work that night.

Which is too bad, because it was so tempting.

Instead I'm going to try to go rock climbing tomorrow, and study up the certifications I'm 'ReActivating.'

I'd like to work on backpacking too. I was thinking I could start getting the gear, going to one of the local campsites on the weekend, and practice basics. Then I could do trips when I feel comfortable with the gear and believe I can make it a few days without running back to town.

(no subject)

Jul. 22nd, 2017 10:09 pm
alexseanchai: Blue and purple lightning (Default)
[personal profile] alexseanchai
Do scented soaps and lotions taste good to kittan?

Clearly I am approaching due for either figuring out how to clip Thea's claw tips or how to apply the red plastic thingies.

(ow.)

Skydive SCUBA dive

Jul. 21st, 2017 04:35 pm
sonochesono: (Default)
[personal profile] sonochesono
I am literally taking the SCUBA refresher WHILE waiting to be suited up to skydive. #multitasking

Skydiving!!!

Jul. 20th, 2017 04:49 pm
sonochesono: (Avatar TLA: Toph Escatic)
[personal profile] sonochesono
I booked a skydiving trip for tomorrow!!

I'd been waiting to go in Monterey (world's highest tandem dive) but I'll try later in the year.

I'm also thinking about surfing lessons. I'd been wanting to a while. But I have two days off this week.

Then I'm also trying to figure out where I want to take photos this weekend.

(no subject)

Jul. 20th, 2017 11:24 am
alexseanchai: Blue and purple lightning (Default)
[personal profile] alexseanchai
Belatedly, Maple Syrup Rebellion is up!

Still selling fiction! Don't forget you can get bonus stories from [personal profile] dialecticdreamer if you buy stories from me!

fic (time lords not having sex)

Jul. 20th, 2017 12:09 am
nostalgia: (twissy touchy)
[personal profile] nostalgia
Twelve/Missy fic in which they try not to get jiggy with it.

It's almost entirely about sex. Twelve is frustrated, Bill is clever, Missy is an appalling person who keeps getting cockblocked.

(no subject)

Jul. 19th, 2017 10:04 am
nostalgia: (13 DOCTOR WHO IS A WOMAN)
[personal profile] nostalgia
its been a few days now and afaik dr who is still a woman

13's important thoughts

Jul. 18th, 2017 08:15 am
nostalgia: (13 - eye)
[personal profile] nostalgia
"shit i used to stick my dick in the tardis to make it go what will i do now?"

"my wife is bisexual i'm so glad i planned ahead on that one"

"captain jack is bisexual shit i'm still not free from his flirting"

"clara was bisexual but i can't remember what she looked like so never mind"

"why the fuck do none of these trousers have pockets in them?"

"dicks are literally magic how will i defeat aliens now?"

"missy will be so proud of me"

"maybe i can finally join the sisterhood of karn"

fic (shut your mouth)

Jul. 17th, 2017 08:13 pm
nostalgia: (bill takes a selfie)
[personal profile] nostalgia
MOAR FIC. It is about Twelve and Bill and Thirteen even though she is not actually in it, and it goes a bit serious in the middle but don't worry that doesn't last.

pls reassure me that i'm not wrong for writing this shit, thnx.
nostalgia: (doctor/river tardis)
[personal profile] nostalgia
I accidentally fic.

Eleven and Thirteen and River. Rated "Teen" for idk suggestiveness and dick jokes probabably?

fic BABY'S FIRST 13 FIC

Jul. 17th, 2017 09:29 am
nostalgia: (13 - eye)
[personal profile] nostalgia
GUYS GUYS GUYS I WROTE THIS it is Bill & Thirteen buying stuff in Superdrug. It's a bit pointless but obviously you have to read it anyway.

A TARDIS Full of Bras

(no subject)

Jul. 16th, 2017 09:11 pm
alexseanchai: Blue and purple lightning (Default)
[personal profile] alexseanchai
I am doing divination the next two days over [personal profile] alexeigynaix way. First card-equivalent is free, money-wise, though I do ask every querent to say something kind or encouraging to someone else by way of payment.

Other than that, don't expect to see much of me online until Tuesday.

...

[personal profile] balsamandash is doing a one-card draw, too.